so be it

i thought that even though we're not seeing each other anymore, that we'd still be friends, at least

but i guess if she doesn't want to even be friends anymore, then so be it.

i know who my true friends are...

the neighbours have been asking today why i'm so pissed, and the truth is, i hate losing a friend

but if this is the way it goes, then so be it.

she once asked whether i would hate her for whatever it was back then, and i didn't. but i do now..if you wanna play until like this, then fuck you. i'm done.

it's come to the stage where i've told my boss that if she ever comes again, i'd prefer not so serve her.

come get your shit yourself.

i'm done.

i hate myself for still loving her so much, but yeah. i'm done.

this is how it is.

Why, indeed?

The durian seller came up to me today and asked, "Eh, that girl your girlfriend, issit?"

"Which girl?"

"That one that comes sometimes, lah; the one with specs."

I thought about how I should answer the question, but settled for, "Err...no, just a friend. Why leh?"

"No lah, just wondering. She came to buy durians from me last night. She looks quite nice, what. Why you don't consider her?" (All the shop-neighbours seem to think I have too much spare time and should find a girlfriend.)

Why, indeed?

All I Know

I bruise you, you bruise me
We both bruise so easily
Too easily
To let it show I love you
And that's all I know

All my plans keep falling through
All my plans, they depend on you
Depend on you
To help me grow, I love you
And that's all I know

When the singers gone
Let the song go on
It's a fine line between the darkness and the dawn
They say in the darkest night there's a light beyond

But the ending always comes at last
Endings always come too fast

And the ending always comes at last
Endings always come too fast
They come too fast
And they pass too slow

I love you
And that's all
It's really all I know

It's all I know

It's all I know

Good Lord.

Just found out my (more recent) ex is still thinking of coming here now that she's graduated.

Help! Someone hide me, quick!
Or convince her to go home instead!

.....

-heh- Nah, I'm only half serious. While I'm honestly not done avoiding her yet (my theory is it takes at least 2 years of avoidance before you can become friends again), I don't particularly care where she chooses to settle down. I don't care that way for her anymore.

Though if I find out she's coming here to look for me, I really will go into hiding. ;)

But yeah...come, go, whatever.

She's not the one I keep thinking of in my unguarded moments.

Improving

It's weird, but ever since I decided to give up on her for now, and we started avoiding each other, I've started feeling very free.

It's not that I don't miss her or still think about her, but she doesn't occupy my every waking thought, even at the subconscious level.

I guess I've learnt to accept that this is the way it is, at least for now.

Anyway, just got back from clubbing with J and her friends. Had a pretty good time, though didn't really drink that much. Actually, drank a fair bit but not feeling as high as I would like. I even passed by the local pub on the way home, just to see if K was still open (he wasn't).

hmmm...the problem with leaving a job, I guess, is that you have too much free time. Although I'm planning to go to church in the morning (yes, by myself for a change), don't really feel like going to sleep yet.

Maybe I'll watch a DVD or something...

Anyway, I guess it's all good for now. She writes about "being cruel to be kind", but I wish I could tell her that she isn't really being cruel, cos I'm actualy pretty okay with the whole avoidance thing at the moment. I guess as siao-eh said, it's probably for the best, for now.

Maybe someday we'll resume contact again, but till then, I suppose I'm okay with each of us heading our separate ways.

Till then...

This is how it is.

-sigh-

It's gotten to the stage where she doesn't even bother to reply to my messages or return my calls.

Don't know why I'm bothered by it, but I am.

-sigh-

Went out to the pub tonight. Spent most of the night talking to T for a change. Then K closed shop and he and I adjourned to Devil's Bar for a few more drinks.

Got a real trashing from K and T tonight. Something about not letting women pull you down. About being true to yourself and knowing what you want. About concentrating on a stable career. Can't really remember much, though, as I was a little high by then.

The funny thing is, though, that through it all, I couldn't stop thinking about how much I still love her.

I guess that's what I really want.

So I guess that's it. Even if we can't be anything anymore, even if she doesn't even regard me as a friend enough to reply to my messages or return my calls, even if I've decided to give up for now, I guess I'm still here.

I'm still waiting. And I guess I will always be.

Perhaps someday she'll be ready.

Perhaps someday...

Till then, all I can do is wait.

I give up.

.....

-sigh-

No, not really.

Despite myself, I still feel as strongly for her as I ever did. I still wish things didn't have to be this way, and hope we may "get together" someday. I can't help myself.

But I'm done for now. I just can't take it anymore.

Why call me and, when I say I'm busy and will call back later, not be bothered to check if your ring tone is on? Or even check the damned phone to see if I'd called, for that matter. It's not as if you didn't know I would call back; I always call back. Even if I have to keep trying till three plus before I give up.

Why tell me we'll go drinking, and after I'm all set of a good night at the pub, it turns out I'm the only one drinking? Screw that. Why tell me we'll go drinking if you're not planning to?

Why go to your old church when you know I'm planning to attend service at the other one? "But I didn't make plans with anyone. I didn't promise you anything." Indeed. But if that's true, then why couldn't you come with me when I asked, when one of the main reasons I'm even attending church is you? What happened to "I'll go when you want to go"?

Big issues? Of course not. Taken individually, they're nothing, really. But add the hundreds of nothings over a period of months and they start becoming something. Even if that does defy mathematical logic, it's gotten to the stage where I've gotten sort of used to it. I don't know why it still affects me each time. It's like.."not again".

Put it simply, I guess it's just "bo chup"..can't be bothered. It's hard to hold it against her, because that's how she's always been. But after a while, "that's how she's always been" stops being an excuse I can tell myself.

I'm used to people who mean what they say. Now I'm finding that I can't even trust anything she says anymore, that I have to take everything she says with a pinch of salt. That I have to be constantly prepared that things will not be as I had assumed from what we had said. That I'll be disappointed. And that's a problem for me, even in a "friend". Especially in a friend.

So..I guess, yeah.

This is it, for now.

I'm done.

You said you wanted to just be friends. If that's the case, maybe start by actually remembering what you say.

Why

Why do I still keep trying?
Why does she still mean so much to me?
Why do I still feel so deeply for her?
Why is she the only thing that brings meaning to my life?
Why does she insist on breaking my heart so?
Why has "for now" stopped being "for now"?
Why am I simply, irrefutably, not good enough?
Why does life feel..empty..without her?
Why, after all this time, has she chosen to give up on me?
Why do I still hold on?
Why do I love her so?
Why?