you make my day everytime i see you..

3

Three roses for three months.

The 24th of each month is special to me, even if it may not be to her, or if indeed she may not even remember.

3 months ago yesterday, we fist started on our road trip, which in a way started the whole ball rolling.

2 months ago yesterday, we spent our first day back on the sunny island.

1 month ago yesterday, she was attending her first campfire where I was making a fool of myself as MC.

It's been three months. Three months of uncertainty, of doubt, of worry. Three months of some of my happiest times in recent memory.

What's another five weeks?

It's time

Remember to take care

She left me a reminder on my phone, which triggered last night. Tonight's one told me not to go peek at all the other ones. It's sweet, even if it does serve to make me miss her more.

I don't know why I've been putting it off, but I guess the time has come to once again become a "productive member of society". The real wake-up call (slap) was when I was talking over msn with one of my close friends and he said "it's not like you to let stuff like this affect your work".

And he's right, of course. They're all right. I don't know why I've let myself slide down this far. I'm stronger than this, dammit. Always have been. I guess it might be because there wasn't really an actual transition period between being with her, and being without. Saturday was pretty much just a normal day, then on Sunday I was suddenly alone.

But enough's enough. Once again, it's time for me to decide: do I want to keep being like this? I guess the answer's obvious.

Man, if she actually saw me now, she'd probably be quite disappointed.

I guess deciding not to drink tonight actually helped. Everything feels a little clearer, and not so hopeless.

In a way, I guess it'll always hurt, for the rest of this time apart. As it should, I suppose. But being in pain does not make us helpless (Stover again).

So...no drinking myself silly anymore. After this, I'll try to get some sleep, and tomorrow it's off to work again. It's the last day of the work week, let's see if we can't go out with a bang.

Day 5, slowly getting better.

Work hard = hard work

It's progressively getting harder at work. By the time it hit around four this afternoon, I was fit to burst. I just didn't want to be there at all. Sad as it may sound, I'd rather sit at home and mope than sit in the office trying to get work done and failing.

A number of my colleagues commented that I seem really tired these days, and my eyes are constantly red. They say I look like a walking zombie. All I can tell them is that I'm having trouble sleeping. They tried to help me out with such helpful suggestions as going for a run to tire myself out, and drinking warm milk before going to bed. They're a nice bunch, really, too bad I doubt it'll work. Think if I go for a run now I'll just faint and die halfway.

I suppose it doesn't help that I don't really have any friends at work. I share an office with a superior who's in his forties. I'm surprised he's still tolerating me; I mean, he's higher up the hierarchy than my supervisor. The younger guys (junior to me) are all in the main office connected to mine. I can often hear them laughing and joking as they go about their duties.

Actually, I do have a friend at work, though he's in a different department. He's kinda going through a similar thing with his girlfriend at the moment, so we can be sad together. I guess talking about it helps, a little. Unfortunately, his duties mean he's out of the office a lot; he didn't come in at all today. So I was pretty much by myself today. Which really sucked.

Added to that is the fact that the superior I share the office with was out nearly the whole day today. When he's around, I have to at least appear like I'm trying to get some work done. But he's out...it's really hard. Hard to concentrate at all, hard to not think of her all the time, just hard.

I think work is no longer the best part of my day...

Sliding

Shit day today. What's new, eh?

Met up with a couple of my closer girl friends for drinks. Really appreciate their company, their listening to me ramble, their frankness. Still feel crap though.

It just keeps getting harder.

Only half high now. Gotta drink more, I guess. My good friend's coming all the way down to keep me company. Don't think I'll ever be able to express my gratitude towards him. He's really been there for me these few days, constantly encouraging me, trying to help me stay optimistic. Even though I know I'm sliding deeper into depression, I'm still really grateful for his efforts.

May blog again later after I'm sufficiently drunk. We'll see.

Oh yeah, I saw a quote at the pub that i really liked:
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Heh. Made me smile. That's rare enough these days...

high

probably shouldn't be posting when i'm this high, but right now i'm too gone to care...
still waiting for my dear friend to come and i'm getting bored...

y'know what pisses me off? well kinda...it's pissing me off now while i'm drunk...normally it just troubles me...hey, i'm not so far gone that i cant see i'm high, k?

what 's pissing me off is that she keeps saying its beter for me to give her up...dammit...cant she see how i goddamn feel about her? and i know she feels for me too...why the fuck isn't that enough?!

if she's really given him up as she claims, then what are we still waiting on? and she cant even tell me WHY she cant decide...am i really just that fucking lousy? am i simply not good enough for her?

from what i can tell, i think she doesn;t want to lose him as a friend...in fact i think she may have said something like that a looooooong time ago...cantrightly remember at the moment...but that's what happens, isnt it? you break up, you lose contact for a while, but if you're reallyfriends, you'll eventually become friends again...that's what happened to me an my ex...took us 2 yrs but now we're back to benig pretty close friends...

-sigh- i dont know what i'm supposed to do...it's jsut so hard...the uncertainty was hard enough when we were still seeing each other, but this not seeing her iskilling me...i dunno what i'm suppsed to do...do i just sit and wait out the 6 weeks and hope i dont go mad?

someone just kill me please...maybe i'll just have to do it myself...

Harder than hard

I feel like I'm going to break soon.

I've had trouble sleeping the last few nights; I either lie in bed staring at the ceiling, or I keep waking up all the time. The room reminds me too much of her; I see her everywhere I look.

This naturally means I'm always tired at work. After two days, I think it's becoming obvious I keep dozing off. It's come to the point where I have to hide in the toilet to try and take a nap. I think it's merely a matter of time before I get reprimanded again. It might even be an official warning this time.

I've also totally lost my appetite. Food just makes me feel sick. I'm skipping breakfast and lunch, and forcing myself to eat dinner just so I have enough energy for tomorrow. I'm always hungry, but that's nothing compared to everything else.

Work performance has also plunged. I'm starting to cut corners, and still I'm moving too slowly. I just can't get myself to concentrate. My mind is always wondering, getting distracted by other things, thinking of her. I just basically count down the hours till going-home time. This obviously also doesn't impress anyone in the office.

A couple of my colleagues pointed out today that my eyes were red. I told them they were feeling dry. How do I tell them it's because I'm struggling to keep from crying?

Work, though, is probaby the best part of my day. Even though I constantly think of her, the only thing that actually reminds me of her is how I used to text and call her when I went for morning break and lunch. Which is why I generally avoid going for morning break and lunch now. I tell the others it's because I'm on a diet. Let them laugh; it's easier than admitting the true reason.

The rest of the day, from getting off work to going back to work the next day, is simply a fuckfest of reminders. Waiting at the bus stop reminds me of how I used to call her from there. Going to any of my hangouts reminds me of when we used to hang out there. The whole house reminds me of her.

I guess that's why I've been drinking every night. Why I'm drinking now. For a short while each night, I can imagine we're still talking, that she's just a phone call away. That she'll actually pick up.

This is Day 3.

Welcome to my life.

Damn my quick fingers

Argh. I did something really stupid today. Actually, I did it once yesterday, and once today. I'm so used to automatically typing in her number when sending a text message that I've accidentally texted her twice. And twice more to hastily tell her those were mistakes.

Yesterday's one wasn't that bad, but today's was a real mistake.
-sigh- I can only hope she saw the hastily-typed one first, and didn't go read the mistake.

I've got to remember to reply straight away upon looking at a message. But sometimes I'm just so busy I cancel for a few minutes before replying.

Dammit! Press down for contact list!! >=(

Today was hard.

I mean, I knew it would be, but it was far harder than I thought. I simply couldn't concentrate at work today; just didn't feel like being there. Kept surfing the intranet for other things to read. It honestly felt like one of the longest days in recent memory.

Today was also the day when friends decided to tell me not to waste my time, that she probably isn't really serious about me, and that I deserve better. And some of this coming from people who actually know her.

sigh.

Everybody seems to be out to test my faith in this relationship. But I will not be shaken. I will not. Come what may, I will be patient, and I will wait.

One less day to April 1st.

Dawn

Two different opinions from two different people in two days.

The close friend says, "if you really, truly like her, you know what you must do".
The ex says, "if it were me, I'd never tolerate shit like that".
But they both agree that I have to make my own decision.

sigh.

Today was the day I allowed myself to sink into depression.
One day.

Tomorrow brings with it new challenges to look forward to, and I will face them with fervour and enthusiasm. Back to giving my best, as I always try.

Tomorrow is one day less to April 1st.

Returned goods

Sigh.
I was really hoping she would hold on to it and make good use of it.
Especially since I have no use for it.
Why did she have to return it?
Dammit.

It has begun

Six weeks...
of loneliness...
of torment...
of hoping against hope...
of introspection...
of uncertainty...
of faith.

And so it shall be.

-----

勇氣 (梁靜茹)
終於作了這個決定　別人怎麼說我不理
只要你也一樣的肯定
我願意天涯海角都隨你去
我知道一切不容易
我的心一直溫習說服自己
最怕你忽然說要放棄

愛真的需要勇氣　來面對流言蜚語
只要你一個眼神肯定　我的愛就有意義
我們都需要勇氣　去相信會在一起
人潮擁擠我能感覺你　放在我手心裡
你的真心

如果我的堅強任性　會不小心傷害了你
你能不能溫柔提醒　我雖然心太急
更害怕錯過你

"Trust, Ganner, is always an act of faith."

Everything that I am, I give to you.
I will place my faith in you this one last time.
Again, I will wait.




How do you know you can trust her?
I don't; I have simply chosen to believe she will not betray me.

Outmaneuvered. Again.

Sometimes I just feel like crying.

I was thinking of getting her flowers tomorrow, since I haven't gotten her any since graduation. He got her a really nice bouquet today. Why am I constantly one step behind?

The worst part is I know how easily moved she is by gestures such as these. At times like this, I'm constantly reminded how much better he knows her than I do. I know she likes receiving little gifts, so I make the effort to get her stuff I think she'll like when I see them. But he knows it's the flowers that are gonna score the points. He seems to know which buttons to push, and I don't.

I really feel at a loss sometimes.
I need puta to slap some sense into me.

Guess I'll just need to do better.

Am I over sensitive?

The general consensus seems to be that my feelings were not unreasonable. Still, I now understand her side (without making it into an issue). At times I really wonder if I'm over sensitive when it comes to such things. Which is weird, since I don't generally mind when such things happen.

In my search for being more open-minded, here's my new tagline: Don't sweat the small stuff (and it's all small stuff). Which, by the way, is a really good book I haven't read in a while.

On a separate note, what is it with chicks and guys in uniform? She can be just too cute sometimes.