Sometimes I just don't get it.

Here's an example. I've been talking about watching the new Jet Li movie Fearless for a while now, but she hasn't been too keen on it. We're supposed to meet for dinner later, and I suggested watching a movie. Right now, she's out with her friend, and they're watching Fearless.

.....

I don't get it.
She refuses to watch the show with me cos she doesn't think it'll be any good, but then watches it with one of her other friends?

Am I being unreasonable when I ask:
Do I count for nothing?

Withdrawal

My smoking's been a big problem for her.
So I decided to quit.
Haven't smoked for two days now.
Suffering.
Withdrawal.
Could kill for a smoke.
But I will be strong.
Focus.
To be with her.
Cheap at twice the price.

Reboot

Things have been pretty good the last few days; we're kind of back where we were before the whole friends thing started. Or at least it feels that way. It's hard to tell where we stand sometimes.

Maybe it's just me, but there are times when it feels like she's really..into me (for lack of a better phrase), but at other times (though significantly rarer), it feels like she just can't be bothered. It's hard to tell where we stand sometimes.

A friend asked me recently, "if she chooses him, will you push on, or let her go?"

In fact, we once talked about the very same thing. Back then, I told her that I'm the kind of guy who would let her go. That all I really want is for her to be happy, and if happiness lay with someone else, I wouldn't hold her back.

Now, well. I've been considering this question ever since she told me the other day there may be a possiblity she may decide to choose neither of us. I guess my answer today is that I'm willing to let her go if she's absolutely sure, without a doubt, that I'm not the one she wants to be with. There's no point forcing anything, after all.

But if there's even the slightest hope, the slimmest chance of possibility, I'll still push on and try to turn things around. After all this, I think I owe myself at least that much.

But now the friend in me whispers "you know what you've already put her through this entire period of time. If she's pretty sure you're not the one, even though she's not a hundred percent sure, might it not be better to give her some peace and accept her choice rather than drag it on for eternity? What if by pushing the issue, you don't even remain friends anymore?"

Sometimes I really hate the friend in me. He never seems to be on my side.

I guess I'll have to think about it some more.

Sincerity and Perserverance

That's the motto of my Primary School. I guess I find it particularly apt in this current situation.

I've been feeling quite lost, lately; my whole mind seems to have been in a jumble. At ties, I don't even know what I'm thinking, or I'm lost between the conflicting thoughts in my head. I lost my way.

But it's all clearer now.

Stover once wrote that there are so many things in life we don't know, that we cannot and will not know. But we don't have to know; all we have to do is decide.

This has been a core component of my personal philosophy for so long, I have no idea how I cold ever have forgotten it.

So here's what I've decided:

I've decided that I don't have to care what she chooses to do with him during this period of time. It really isn't my business, nor should it be, so why get affected by it?

I've decided that all I have to do is concentrate on how I play the game. If she wants us to be friends, then be the best friend possible; if she shows further signs, reciprocate. But respect the rules she has laid down.

She asked me what I would do if she decided not to choose either of us. So I've also decided that unless she specifically doesn't want to have anything else to do with me anymore, I will push on. We've come this far, how can I give up now?

And at the end of the day, may she be moved by Sincerity and Perserverance.

The things you learn in Primary School.

Torn

I feel so torn between my feelings for her, and being understanding.

She's meeting him for lunch now.

On one hand, I think she should spend more time with him because we've already been at camp for three days.

On the other hand, I guess I just feel uncomfortable about it. Not that I have any right to. And certain issues keep hovering around the back of my head.

I didn't use to be like this. Why is my mind getting so screwed up? What's wrong with me?!

Sigh.

Patience.

Time will tell.

All we have to do is fight

I was thinking of asking her out for lunch, but she was supposed to have lunch with her family. But she told him she could meet him for lunch, and have dinner with her family instead. I'm just being stupid, of course, but it makes me wonder what would have happened had I actually asked her for lunch earlier.

Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. Because her feelings for him far outwiegh her feelings for me. As they should, I suppose. At times it really feels like an uphill battle, against an opponent who's faster, smarter and has more resources than I do. But as Stover once wrote, "We don't have to win; all we have to do is fight". SO I will. Because I could never forgive myself if I didn't.

A friend, who knows her better than I do, thinks that it's a matter of habit; she's too used to being with him. I honestly don't know. All I know is I like her, and while she may like me, she still likes him more. If this was dependent only on how strongly she feels for either of us, I would probably have lost long ago. Sometimes I wonder whether it may be better that way, since she has stronger feelings for him.

All I can do is be grateful for this chance.
And remember that all I have to do is fight.

Wake up your idea

Something happened the night I left for work.
I don't blame her, but it hurts.
I try not to think about it, and that helps, mostly.
But I can feel it hovering around the back of my mind.
I don't want to feel this way.
I have no right to feel this way.
I am the bad guy in this movie.
I will stop feeling this way.
I don't want something like this to affect what we have left.
I don't know how to tell her how I feel.
She has enough on her mind as it is;
She doesn't need this shit from me.
Deal with it, stupid.

One step forward, two steps back

We're back to being normal friends again.
Don't think there are many things I've regreted more than suggesting this.
But it's probably better, till she sorts her own feelings out.
So we're "just friends" for the next two weeks.
It's really hard.
I know it's ridiculous, but it feels like break-up all over again.
And we weren't even officially together yet.
It also came as a surprise that she's still thinking about the orginal question.
I don't know why, but I guess I'd hoped we would be a little past that.
So, right now, it feels like waiting for exam results.
Except a lot worse.
I have an ominous feeling I'm going to do badly on this one.
But I will be patient.
I will wait.
And I will accpet the outcome.
I like her that much.

Had a long talk today, followed by our first argument-type thing.
But it seems mostly good now.
We'll see what happens later.

She was with her ex till three last night.
She tried to hide it from me.
She once asked what I expect from her.
I told her "nothing".
I suppose that's not really true.
I require my close friends to be openly honest with me.
That's how I can be openly honest with them.
That's how I feel I can trust them, and they know they can trust me.
Trust is the bedrock on which a friendship built.
But it is something that must be earned.
I can only hope she will someday feel she has no need to keep things from me.

I really am trying to quit.
That's why I set myself a quota.
Except it's not really a quota, more of a guide.
Sometimes I make the quota, sometimes I exceed it.
But it gets harder when she asks me how many I've had.
Then it feels like I'm being forced.
And I hate being forced.
I really am trying to quit.
But I want to do it at my own pace.
Because that's the only way it's going to happen.

She still loves him.
She's said as much.
I try not to care, but of course, I do.
It hurts.
Everyday.
Every moment.
Knowing the heart of the person you're with is with someone else.
I told her I would wait.
And I will.
I'm not a patient man.
For her, I will be.
I will wait.
Someday she may love me the same way.
I will wait.